Another post from Tim that I just couldn’t keep myself from syndicating, since he’s talking about us and our house and his never-ending battle with mosquitoes (or, in the Kenyan dialect, “mos-kwi-toes”)
Although the title probably sounds more like a cult film from the 50s, it is actually the account of my epic conflict with the large and loosely banded swarms of mosquitoes in Africa. It has been said that history is written by the winners, but I do not believe that to be universally true. Mosquitoes just don’t know how to type. Many lives and hours of sleep have been lost during the night to tell this story.
“I spy the target. He is just lying there completely unaware of our presence. As soon as the light goes out, we plan to strike. We’re in luck. He isn’t wearing body armor tonight. I’m going to eat that [buzz] for dinner. I’m even going to fly by his ear after I eat so that he will be more tired, that way we won’t have to wait as long tomorrow night. My commanding officer referred to this strategy as psychological warfare. I’m going to move a little closer. I’m so hungry and the others probably are too. Wait. Did he just look over here? I can’t be too sure, but I thought he looked up from his book for a second. No, good, he is just turning the page. Are the others in position yet? Yes, I expect that tonight’s operation will be successful. I shouldn’t take my eyes of the target like that. He is known to act unexpectedly spor- I see the paperback cover of a murder mystery novel- then, darkness.”
-Excerpt from The Rise and Fall of the 301^21st Mosquito Airborne Division of East Africa’s Tactical Entomology Rank Services
The First Mosquito War began after a few military skirmishes in the AIM guesthouse, known as Mayfield. Although the guerilla forces suffered great losses at the hands of the scantily clad and less mobile human force, a “Mosquito Net Diplomacy” was still adopted. This new adaptation by the human force resulted in a peaceful end to the First Mosquito War. With tensions between the two sides still elevated, the East African Tactical Hostility of Insect Maelstrom (EATHIM) began drawing strategies for the possible future hostilities.
The Human force eventually emigrated to a permanent settlement under a less organized but still mosquito occupied Nairobi area. EATHIM was forced to deploy the Mosquito Airborne Division of East Africa’s Tactical Entomology Rank Services (MAD-EATERS) when reports of an unexpected attack on a breeding outpost were received. After further investigation, the mosquitoes discovered that the unprovoked attack was a live weapons testing of a deadly chemical known only as “Doom”. The Science Understudy Commission of Kenyan Entomology Research Service (SUCKERS) were unable to identify the exact compound structure of the weapon*, but they did observe the pressurized containment structure. The external metallic casing was often used as a blunt object to crush the MAD forces.
As the conflict evolved, new weapons for the human force were developed and used on the ever vigilant MAD forces. The human supply of Doom was redistributed as ant forces began an invasion on the settlement, ignorant of the already occurring war. The dwindling use of Doom on the MAD forces was not enough for a successful campaign because the Human force began to use the more conventional “Electric Flyswatter”. This tool of destruction was originally developed for overpopulation control of Bosnian house flies during the Potato Famine of ’84. The racket-like structure disguised its power as an electroshock incineration tool. Its raw power sent electric currents through its target, often torturing its victims before the excruciating final surge.**
An eyewitness account provides un-refutable evidence that the human force used both devices during MWII:
“[The Human Force] stopped at the door, and turned to Andy and Lesa who were sitting on the couch. They were grinning because he was holding both the canister of [Doom] and the [Electric Flyswatter]. He said, ‘Tonight they dine in hell!’, then entered the room and closed the door. Five minutes later, he re-entered the main room, coughing and half suffocated, saying, ‘I think I got all of them…. I think I used too much doom… but I think I am becoming immune to the smell.’, then he set down both weapons. There were body parts all over the racket.”
-Excerpt from secret files of an informant, Kenyan Insect Agency (i, KIA)
Due to the need for active management of both devices, Human scientists began developing a new weapon that required minimal maintenance and supervision. This new device was called “Flower Brand Mossi Chips”. It’s advanced design incorporated a electronically powered housing device that burned a chemical, biological, and nuclear conglomerate fuel source called a Mossi Chip.
The fuel let off a lightly scented discharge in the air which killed and repelled both civilian and MAD mosquitoes. The first unforecasted use of the weapon caused the mosquitoes to scatter, leaving their hideouts and havens, making them easy targets for the Human Force to exterminate. During the bloodbath, the Human force found the main arms transportation route of EATERS known as Fireplace Bunker Chimney.***
On December 25th, 2008, a day that will live in infamy, the largest MAD invasion force of the EATERS was led by a noble general. They attacked at 0100 hours on the human religious holiday known as “Christmas”. The battle that ensued became a legendary marker in the entire history of EATHIM. The heroic Christmas Day Invasion successfully caught the main Human target off guard, during a hard time away from his bloodline, but proved to have underestimated the preparedness of the defense strategy. The Human reorganized and followed with a devastating and wild counterattack. Using all the inhumane weapons at his disposal, he effectively crushed the dispersed MAD forces. Aftermath reports declared that the battlefield was uninhabitable for at least 24 hours (about 1/10 the of a mosquito lifetime) due to the deadly Doom vapors, Mossi Chip radiation, and veteran accuracy of the ever destructive Flyswatter (it had been used to kill multiple Airborne Mosquitoes at once, even in mid-flight). The failure of the campaign resulted in the Insect Conference of Kaffeeklatsch Yalta (ICKY) declaring it an unsanctioned operation under a rogue general. He will live forever in glory by the esteemed name of “General Splatton”.
The International Tribunal Legion of Entomology (TITLE) sanctioned an international court to try the responsible human, known in the MAD ranks by the name of “The Incurable Massacring Monster Yeti” (TIMMY), for war crimes against mosquito-kind. The defendant was charged with the use of unecologically friendly weapons of mass destruction, the attempted holocaust of mosquitoes, and indecent exposure for coming to the court in “naught but his undergarments”. With the overabundance of evidence against the warranted international criminal, the court optimistically predicted that he would be held accountable for his actions. The optimism was short lived , however, when reports came that he had allegedly assassinated TITLE with Doom and left unimpeded.
After the lack of reprimands for his atrocities in superior court, more blood relatives of the perpetrator began emigrating into the already overpopulated human controlled zone. The deficiency of space forced the People Enraging Righteous Pests Syndicate (PERPS) Attaché to make camp at a place called couch. He bunkered down after a few attacks by MAD scouts. After almost a month, the PERPS evacuated the area as quickly as they had invaded, leaving TIMMY with a new device which led to the end of the conflict.
The legendary “Plug in Fan” had been sought after by the Human force for a long time, but was unable to acquire one until the funding was received from the blood relatives. The device did not end the tensions between EATHIM and the Humans, but it did end the war as it automatically defended the Human area from MAD attacks by keeping EATERS from entering the area. This “Fan Shield Diplomacy”**** continues to be used to starve helpless Mosquitoes communities throughout Africa, and the world.
*The decommission of SUCKERS occurred soon after due fatalities from overexposure to the deadly chemical.
**The weapon was most likely designed to recreated the “Dark Force Sith Lightening” found in the 1983 science fiction movie, Star Wars: The Return of the Jedi.
***This invasion route was later shut down, through the use of “post-Christmas wrapping paper”, by a human sympathizer and allied weapons distributor known only by the code-name of “Lesa”.
****The similar “Mosquito Net Diplomacy” is still used in less developed areas to withhold food from the victims.